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Miss Daisy Becomes a Go Kart

‘Good Morning Old Girl, what a lovely day for go-karting!’  Her Ladyship throws open my garage door with a significant degree of enthusiasm.

What!  Excuse me...  did you say go-karting?  What has go-karting to do with me?

‘What do you think of that then?’  She’s whipped open my bonnet. ‘Not a drip of oil anywhere. No discharge at all. Your nether regions are spotless. You won’t need a nappy anymore.’  She chuckles as she closes my bonnet. I don’t think that was very funny.

‘Right, let’s go.’  She hops in, starts up my engine and we are on our way.

We arrive at a very large building and I can hear the sound of revving engines coming from the inside.
‘Won’t be long, Old Girl. I’ve just got to show these chaps that we women are just as competitive drivers as the men.’  She disappears inside the building and I suppose I must wait quietly here.

It isn’t long before I hear a roar of engines again. The roar continues for about ten minutes and then it seems to die down, except I can still hear the sound of one engine still going. People start to trickle out of the building; they get in their cars and head for home. Where are you all going?  What have you done with Her Ladyship?  The sound of that last engine eventually stops and, moments later, Her Ladyship appears.
‘That was fun Old Girl. I showed ‘em how to drive. Ten laps we did.’  Oh yes? I believe you.

‘Now, the people who run this place have said that I can take you onto their little track. Would you like to have a go?’  No thank you. I am not a racing car. Let’s go home. The big doors of the building start to open.
One of the marshals comes out. ‘Are you sure you want to do this?  That old car isn’t really suitable for a track like this.’

‘Oh we’ll only do a couple of laps. I know this Old Girl will enjoy it.’  Oh I will, will I?

‘All right then, just a couple of laps. Come on then.’  Her Ladyship gets in and starts me up. We roll forward and pull up at a white line. Another Marshal comes over.

‘Right’, he said. ‘You’ve done the course in a Kart. You’ve experienced the sharp bends in that. This thing’s much higher and the course is quite slippery. Don’t push it.’  What does he mean ‘This Thing’?

‘Okay.’  Her Ladyship says this with a degree of anxiety. Is she suddenly regretting her decision?

A Klaxon sounds, Madam struggles to get me into first gear and we are off. We are into second before we hit the first bend. She doesn’t go to third. Instead she’s concentrating getting me round this first, almost hairpin, bend. We are barely round that when she yanks my steering wheel the other way and we swing round a sharp left hand bend. I feel my wheels start to slide towards the pile of old tyres that surround the track. She regains control and we are into the straight. Into third gear now and we are accelerating. Is she sure she should be doing this with my new engine?  Brakes, down into second. Very sharp bend coming up Your Ladyship. Can you hear me?  Very, very sharp bend. I lose grip of the track and we glide gracefully into the tyres.

She slams me into reverse. Into first and we shoot off again. She has a most determined look on her face. It’s as if she’s possessed. Right hand bend... left hand, a gentle one this time... sharp right and we shoot over the starting line. Thank God, only one lap to go. But unfortunately, having done one lap, Her Ladyship seems hell bent on attempting this last lap even faster. I can’t do this!  You are supposed to be running me in!!  My tyres are screeching on the track this time. Oh no. Here come another pile of tyres...  Ouch!  Off again. Sharp left, ah the straight, up a gear, brakes...  BRAKES!  At last. Right!  Right!  Swing me to the bloody RIGHT!!  Thank you. We are over the finishing line. Thank God, I’m still alive. Her Ladyship is sitting there, gripping my steering wheel and breathing heavily. Eventually, she gets out.

‘Wow, that was fun wasn’t it Old Girl?’
What planet are you on?  That was definitely not fun. It was worse than that so called gentle roll down the side of the Cantabrian Mountains, trying to get my engine started two years ago. Never, never again. Please.

‘I really enjoyed that,’ Her Ladyship addresses the marshal. ‘Thank you. Come on Old Girl, let’s go home.

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